On turning 40Part 2: A bit more serious

"Lion Energy"

(I debated posting this because, well- its a bit more serious, and i feel a bit more vulnerable about sharing it... but i suppose if its boring- you are free to come back for my next bit of funniness, as no doubt there will be more shenanigans)

Brene Brown once so brilliantly explained that mid-life does not feel like a crisis at all. A crisis comes and then damn well ends… quickly. Mid-life feels like some kind of gut - wrenching transition with no real end in sight. An evolution that you just don’t feel quite prepared for. A crisis, I could maybe handle – come and gone. But this… this is something else entirely!

In the throes of this ‘transitioning” , A couple months ago, I was introduced to an amazing energetic intuitive Jodi Basch who at the time, so brilliantly said to me;

“Liza, I feel like I see you standing out in the ocean somewhere…it’s like you got caught in a tide, and you are just stuck there, thinking “how on earth did I get here?” There is lots of energy, lots of strength – but there are so many people plugging into you for your energy that you got nothing left…

There are people in your life trying to guide you back to shore… but you don’t want help, not because of refusing help…because you know the lost parts of you will just follow, and you will find yourself on some other tide in some other shore.

You want to walk out all on your own.’

I wasn’t unhappy at this point in my life. I even felt deeply aware that I had so very much to be grateful for – We were all healthy. My husband was and is still the funniest and my most favorite person. My kids are kind and smart and Rockstar-ish in my eyes. I have a seriously great family and I live in the best place I could ever have hoped for.

and yet I felt so young to be so very tired. So very “transitioning” and disquieted.

I love GREATNESS. I love exceptional people who do exceptional things. They inspire me. They change the world. They blaze paths that the rest of us can follow on. I don’t get jealous over cars or homes or how people look… but GREATNESS… that is something else.

My greatest fear for as long as I can remember (aside from sharks and hairy spiders) has been meeting my creator and having nothing exceptional to say about my life. And here I stood lost in the sea, feeling so very very ordinary. Torn between the mundane parts or kids, laundry, cooking, work and then doing it each week all over again. Feeling like I wasn’t really mastering any of these things, let alone my deepest self actualization

‘Well thanks Jodi’ I said…” but how do I get out of this damn ocean? “

“I'm not sure, but I think finding your energy starts smaller than you think, like maybe when you cook… cook one thing that you actually like to eat.”

I got off the phone a little disappointed, not by the conversation but more by my frustration. Could finding my own greatness really start that small?

Regardless, that night, i did just that. I was having 20 people for dinner – and I made one thing, just because I liked it. If no one else did, that was their problem.

And the next day I wrote something… just for the sake of writing.

And a few weeks later, I really started to work on stopping all the imposter stories in my head. You know the ones that say ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘this person would do it better than me’. ‘I’m not trained enough, qualified enough’. And for the first time ever I truly embraced my practice. I began owning my own abilities to help others heal, and also trust my ability to say - this case is not for me, I’m going to pass.

I stopped for the first time hoping that energy was going to make its way to me, and started focusing on standing in that ocean feet grounded, arms up – and reeling the energy in…. daring the universe. Aware that energy is very much inside of me. (even if sometimes i forget this part)

When I was in South Africa a few months ago, I shot what are probably some of my best photos. It’s a lion poised, soaking up the sunshine and all the energy available for him. There was a self assured-ness of his place and mission, that I felt envious of.

At 40, I am learning the slow awareness that some things take us longer, the pace may need to be slower - and that is also okay. That unlike animals, when it comes to ‘place’ or ‘mission’ in the world, our soul's greatness can show up quickly in one place… but take its time in another.

Or to quote Michelle Obama

“we can have it all, but maybe just not at the same time”

I haven’t come to terms with what my own greatness should look like. But I know with whom and where I find energy. I think it starts with making time for something that you love, committing to your own talents, passions, strengths. Refueling from sources only you can give yourself…and then slowly slowly… one foot at a time… you start to make your way out of that ocean – and head toward the path your whole self just knows is waiting for you. And if you are brave enough, like the lion, you stare up at the sunshine and take it all in… so that somewhere deep inside, the roar that has been brewing is given all your permission to make its way out into the world.