On friendship and greatness

Some days my kids are a@#holes. No way to sugar coat that nut. They range in age from three to fourteen, which means I am currently living the parental dream – toddler hood and adolescence in one shebang! (truly glorious)

But some days amidst all the chaos that is my life… they also are my greatest teachers.

I had one such moment on Friday with my twelve year old – exhibit B, AKA – Shai.

Shai has had a best mate since grade one, ironically his name is also Shai. Obviously in order to spare all confusion and in true boy fashion, they are known as “Kramer and Glick”

It’s a friendship that you kind of love to watch. Shai and Shai are both smart, and into sports – and its not complicated… they laugh, they play and when they have had enough, they go home.

It's been this way since they were six years old. Just easy and kind. Always so kind.

The goodness is contagious I think, and kids love to be with them.

But now they are entering the teens, and since they are both very driven and determined kids, I sadly keep waiting for jealousy or a “one man up” dynamic to ensue.

Isn’t that what we are taught? Can’t have two kings on one crown. If you are up, then I am down. We have to push others down to get ahead. Let me check where my friends are up to.

I see this with a lot of kids and young adults in my practice, the constant comparisons. Its so painful and so exhausting. Like a cultural obsession, I’m only great if I’m better than you.

So Friday was a fun run day in our tiny city. Shai was running 10km with his dad, but a lot of his friends were running too. He had been training and he wanted to run well. Which he did. I was super proud… it was damn fast for such a little kid. He came in and was then immediately looking to see some of his friends finish. I was watching his face, waiting for him to gloat – you know, have that look that says ‘I beat them mom”

But that look never came.

Next thing I hear Shai scream…”There’s Glick, there’s Glick. Yes!!!!… Achla Gever!!!” (which loosely translates to mean “Awesome! You big man”)

And that was it. He was just happy to see his friend finish strong, like a champion.

Not another word.

And I thought, wow. That is what real friendship looks like. When we care that our friends do well. That we are thrilled for their success stories as well as for our own.

When we can learn that the race is long, but in the end it is only with ourselves.

Our schooling systems and social systems throw our kids into an endless pit of competition – and not the healthy kind. Always checking where we are in comparison to everyone else.

On Friday my son reminded me that the best and most fulfilling human connections come when we are just plain old happy to see people we love finish strong, reach high or dig deep.

The number one therapy issue that parents send kids to me for is always “he/she is just struggling with self esteem”

The number one pain that my young adult clients come in with is an overwhelming sense of not feeling “good enough”.

Maybe these things are rooted in negative childhood messages. Perhaps. But maybe they are just rooted in the parts of us who have not been taught – that another person’s awesomeness or success does not diminish our own.

Our sense of worth, our sense of greatness comes when we can see and enjoy worthiness and greatness in others. Your spark – does not diminish mine, but combined we light up the world.